Trauma-bonding

Exploring the chemical and emotional dynamics that occur in abusive intimate relationships

Emotional Manipulation, intimacy, cycle of Abuse, “chemistry”

Trauma-bonding is a psychological phenomenon that goes beyond emotional attachment—it triggers a chemical reaction in the body, releasing intense amounts of the stress hormone cortisol, followed by dopamine and oxytocin. This creates a "speedball" effect, where the victim experiences intense highs and lows that become a pattern. Cortisol floods the body in response to the stress and fear caused by the abuse, and then the dopamine and oxytocin kick in when moments of affection or kindness are introduced, reinforcing the bond through the neural pathways. This combination of hormones creates an addictive cycle, making it harder for the victim to break free. It’s important to clarify that trauma-bonding does not refer to bonding over shared childhood trauma or experiences. Instead, it refers to the unsafe and unhealthy bond that the victim is unconsciously forming with the abuser, one that harms them and keeps them trapped in a cycle of abuse. This cycle—known as the cycle of abuse—repeats itself as the victim experiences ongoing traumatization, feeling both connected to and hurt by the abuser, reinforcing the toxic attachment. This was once described as 'co-dependency,' but I distinguish it as a distinct perpetrator-victim dynamic, where coercion, rather than consent, plays a critical role.

The abuser often employs tactics such as love bombing, breadcrumbing, and intermittent abuse like negging to establish this bond. Love bombing involves overwhelming the victim with excessive affection and attention in the beginning, creating a deceptive standard of connection. Sometimes people mistake the “butterflies” or “nervous” feeling in the beginning as “chemistry,” but it is often the alarm bell sounding when a familiar unsafe pattern has been detected. Breadcrumbing, on the other hand, refers to giving just enough attention or validation to keep the victim hooked, but never fully satisfying their emotional needs, or returning to the initial display of affection. Intermittent abuse—alternating between kindness and cruelty—keeps the victim constantly unsure of what to expect and heightens their emotional dependence. These manipulative behaviors serve to groom the victim, making them more susceptible to the abuser’s control. This pattern causes significant confusion in the nervous system, as the victim’s body and mind struggle to reconcile the emotional highs and lows, along with the inconsistency of safety and trust. The nervous system picks up on the incongruence, creating a chronic state of stress and confusion, undermined and exploited by the abuser.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone distorts or denies reality to make another person question their perceptions, memory, or sanity. The manipulator may deny events, twist facts, or make the victim feel as though they are overreacting, even when their feelings are valid. Negging is a form of emotional abuse where someone gives a backhanded compliment or subtle insult to undermine the confidence or self-esteem of another person, typically in a romantic or dating context. The goal of negging is to make the target feel insecure, thereby making them seek validation from the person doing the negging. These tactics are framed as compliments but actually serve to belittle the other person, causing them to doubt themselves and seek approval or reassurance from the abuser.

This combination of emotional manipulation and physiological responses makes it incredibly difficult for the victim to break free, as they are psychologically and chemically conditioned to stay attached to the abuser. The constant cycle of abuse, intermittent reinforcement, and emotional manipulation traps the victim in a state of confusion and dependency, preventing them from recognizing the harm and ultimately escaping the toxic relationship. The cycle is actually a spiral, in which the negative consequences get worse each time. If any of these descriptions sound familiar, let’s talk it through. I understand this journey.